Verre soufflé


, p. 60-61.

Il met sa bouche sur les rainures d’une bouteille. Ça goûte elle, le métal et le vide et elle n’en pense rien. Personne ne pense le ventre plein. Personne ne danse les mains rugueuses et personne ne s’aime le cœur gros. Si on ne boit pas les fonds, c’est qu’on a peur de l’amertume et quand les yeux sont vitreux, ils tintent aussi fort qu’une poignée de change. De l’espoir pour animaux, des cannes pour paresseux qui sentent bon la rose. Demain, j’aurai le dedans semi à l’air et les os bien piquants. J’aurai de quoi me faire saigner et me pavaner en suit d’ange à deux sexes, babiole d’or à deux chaînes. Me découper des monarques en boîtes de déménagement encore collantes, question d’être de retour. (Sanglots. Mais pourquoi tu les as mangées tes ailes, ma belle? Ce qui sort de toi gâte le carton.) Qu’on est mal à se voir grandir de si peu de bricolage, il y a de quoi briser des murs d’un repassage d’autant d’encore. Et quand on aura tout, je veux dire quand on les aura, le fer et la planche, il manquera quoi? À combien de coups il faudra aller ouvrir? J’avais les bas trop bien dans mes pantoufles pour penser à moi debout. Le désordre superficiel rentre comme dans une barque à l’envers, mais l’eau du chagrin est terrain connu, et c’en est mieux. Elle était assise en face de moi quand il y a eu un semblant de choc, mais rien qui aurait fait bouger une meringue fraîche, sa peau blanche odeur pas logique de citron qui chatouille le bas des yeux. L’impression des fenêtres pas ouvrables dans l’autobus. Le cœur nous a pris l’envol du délire; pour une fraction de riz, on s’est vus pour vrai, mais on était mal assis. Rien de plus dégueulasse qu’une crampe d’aine pour briser une ambiance post-rêverie d’hier quand on s’est dit « peut-être ». « Où je veux » c’est un parking ou le pied de ma porte quand ça se dit. Pas toujours, mais la honte m’a pris assez souvent à Noël, au moment des becs, que je me suis forgé para-toute, au moins en pensées. Donc, on est par terre quand ça cogne dans la fenêtre côté rue et ce serait un drame de fabuler ma surprise, mais j’avais la tête à montrer toutes mes bébelles en coq fier, en brocanteur content de ses miettes semi-cachées. Une collection de journaux intimes en minous, trois lignes écrites dedans pis c’est beau, des morceaux de revues excitantes, des balles de laine couleur vieux et des cadeaux du temps que nos parents nous donnaient de l’argent pour leur fournir en même temps qu’eux le fruit de leur amour.

L’insistant sur ma vitre qui gâche tout. Le mieux dans la solitude, c’est qu’on est jamais pris à trois.

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