À la faveur de la nuit

, p. 35-36.

Dans le miroir, le cadran clignote. Une seconde passe, puis une autre. C’est le temps du bilan. Tu es là, entassée sous les couvertures. Ton silence endormi est une main qui vient caresser ma peau, qui me fait frissonner. Le miroir renvoie l’image de ma chambre, à peine illuminée par la lune qui entre par la fenêtre. Tantôt le monde est réel (je le parle différemment), tantôt il est déréel (je le parle avec peine). Toute ma vie j’aurai vécu avec le sentiment d’avoir été éloigné de moi- même, de mon lieu. Si l’expression « exil métaphysique » n’avait aucun sens, mon existence lui en prêterait un volontiers.

Les tiroirs; ramassis d’anciens débris, inintéressants, comme à un autre. Je vois la déchéance de ma pudeur avec tous ces tissus, en amas sur le sol. Je n’ai pas encore remué que la chambre me semble vivante. Rien pourtant n’y bouge. Le reflet peut-il précéder le mouvement qui le façonne? Fort bien, puisque j’en suis encore à m’inventer, tandis que lui semble aussi vrai que moi, tout en chair. Je suis encore ensommeillé dans les arcanes que tu as dressés. Pris entre mes limites et moi- même, qu’y puis-je faire? J’aurais dû être dispensé de traîner un corps. Le fardeau du « moi » me suffit amplement.

Le miroir cadre le mouvement de la scène qui se joue devant moi. Elle s’inscrit dans ma mémoire. Je ne sais pas combien de secondes se sont maintenant écoulées. À la faveur d’expériences qui m’ont amené au seuil de mon identité, je repense l’insoutenable ennui dans lequel je me suis longtemps laissé aller. Ce moment incarne un trait d’union; celui de la déflagration de mon choix que je tente d’éteindre. L’être que j’attendais n’était pas réel. Je l’inventais, puis je le vivais. Effet imprévu de mon invention : ton corps qui flotte à mes côtés, qui m’éclaire, me brûle. Ta présence est une scène tragique dont je m’émeus. Ce théâtre stoïque me fait imaginer des solutions atroces, presque brillantes, mais surtout définitives. Je produis une fiction; l’art de la catastrophe m’apaise. Le cadran clignote. Cette seconde s’est perdue dans une masse que je ne tente même pas de circonscrire. Elle ne reviendra pas. Je n’en souffre pas. Le miroir peut renvoyer une vérité sur soi bien plus grande que ce qu’il est possible de supporter. C’est une sensation étrange, celle de se regarder et de ne pas se reconnaître. Seul, j’ai toujours laissé une image incomplète de moi-même, mais tu m’as découvert. Je ne suis plus un reflet.

Le cadran clignote.

Je suis bien. Je m’endors.

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